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Sunday
29Mar2009

WYNONA JUDD, BILLY MAYS AND WILFORD BRIMLEY...NOW WHAT DO THESE GUYS HAVE IN COMMON?

As the 2009 unfurls its petals and blooms before us, many of us find ourselves pondering the important issues that accompany this change. "What do I hope to accomplish in 2009?" "How long before the recession ends?" and lastly "Which celebrities will make a comeback this year?" This article will address the last question. The answer, in short, is Wynona Judd, Billy Mays, and Wilford Brimley (in chronological order).

As you may or may not know, loveable country singer Wynona Judd recently released her latest album Sing: Chapter 1 on February 3rd. Because of this, she guest starred on NBC's Kath and Kim. She was also featured on Rachel Ray's daytime talk show when the TV chef hosted a mass wedding for couples whose churches and other places of matrimony were destroyed in Hurricane Ike. In addition to comedian Geoffrey Ross reciting a poem he wrote for the occasion which rhymed tykes with Ike (as in the hurricane), Wynona provided the entertainment, gently dusting a sea of newlyweds with her magical Wynona-ness. Those couples are 100% Wynona guaranteed to stay together.

However, it's not her recent television appearances that are going to re-launch Wynona into the star stratosphere. It's her spokesmanship of Alli, the diet pill. If you haven't yet seen Wynona flapping her cute little chubby gums about this diet pill, you will soon, because with Wynona on their side, Alli's business will boom. And with that will come more commercials, all featuring Ms. Judd of course. To stay ahead of the game, I suggest buying Sing: Chapter 1, throwing back some Alli diet pills and hosting an all night dance-a-thon in your living room.

Next comeback-er on the list is TV salesman Billy Mays. You may remember him as the man who awakened the world with his earnest, if not half-crazed shouts praising the wonders of Oxiclean. If somehow you don't remember, it's probably because you're suffering from shock and have repressed the memory. Those of us who are familiar with Billy Mays know the man could sell a Hummer H1 to Al Gore. With a gleam in his eye and a voice like Velcro, the undeniable charm of Billy Mays is sure to permeate the collective unconscious and leave an indelible mark in the American zeitgeist.

In addition to Oxiclean, Mr. Mays has amazed us with the magical properties of products like Orange-Glo, Kaboom, Hercules Hook and many, many more. What wonder will he awe us with next? Something we couldn't imagine living without, no doubt. I predict Billy will reappear again in the middle of April. Just as spring sets the world a fire with new life, so will Billy, with a new amazing product.

Throughout the changing of the seasons, one man will keep going, not stopping until his horse's hoof has crunched the autumn leaves. Well, he might make a few stops. The man has to check his blood sugar. Wilford Brimley may not get his comeback until the end of the year, but he will get it; he's not opposed to stabbing someone with a dirty lancet if he has to. Wilford Brimley is a stuntman, an actor, but most notably, a spokesman, first of Quaker Oats, and more recently of Liberty Medical. The Liberty Medical commercials in particular have introduced Wilford Brimley to a new generation of Americans who would have never known him or the proper way to pronounce diabetes.

In addition to melting our hearts with his gruff-on-the-outside, soft-on-the-inside character, Mr. Brimley has been known to melt butter on a variety of foods including baked potatoes, lobster tails, and ice cream. Our national grandpa, old Wilford will be stopping in for a visit late this year. If we're lucky, Wilford will team up with Billy in a super-commercial advertising Liberty Medical. Matched with the snappy pace of Billy Mays, Wilford will shine as a beacon of sturdy reassurance that diabeetus doesn't have to control our lives. Wynona might make a quick appearance, asking viewers WWWJD? (What Would Wynona Judd Do) The answer is call Liberty Medical, and maybe pop a few Alli diet pills.

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This post guest-blogged by Cait Bourgeois.

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